Chivalrously Regal

The flight deck of an aircraft carrier boasts the shortest runway for jet aircrafts while being one of the most dangerous places to stick around at. North Gulshan Avenue is the land based sister – shortest Formula 1 race track and as dangerous a place to hang out at. 

Just like a Top Gun fighter jock (the hunk) strapped to a sleek fighter jet, is catapulted from the flight deck of the USS Nimitz, our own USS Gulshan Avenue catapults a hunk of an SUV, driven by a sleek teenager, into the side streets of the diplomatic-turned-notorious area.

Such is the ideal place to earn notoriety. Besides, who doesn't want to be a Bollywood star? Ok, so it's a stretch to have the looks, body, and oh, the skills needed to manoeuvre an SUV onto sleeping people on Bombay's sidewalks like those of Salman Khan. But we at least have our own young star. After all, some kids today can really multi-task – drive a mammoth of an SUV, take it through knee deep water in a Navy S.E.A.L. like amphibious exercise, drag race, drink, smile, take selfies, instagram, hit two rickshaws, knock down four live humans and wet his diapers, all at the same time. Forgive me if I have left anything out.  

It all happens near the Dutch, i.e., 'foreign' Club. Hence, law enforcement is at the scene in an instant. It's a stretch to expect a sobriety test on the spot and the eventual US type scenario where a drunk driver squirms: "I'm sorry officer!" T.I.B. (This Is Bangladesh). If there were such a thing remotely similar to that of a sobriety test, the driver's remorse here would be: "Do you know whose son (nephew) I am?" 

So, the kid is taken to the police station. His identity is still unknown, though those of all in his family tree are out instantly. It's like the matrimonial 'bio data', a one pager Who's Who while Who Cares about Who's the Groom. 

At the police station, he is calm. So what if he doesn't have the license to drive? He's got the license to chill and be chivalrously regal: "Where is my stuff?" Reminds us of Sarat Chandra Chattopadhyay's Notun Da's first words upon being rescued from the village dogs and his (Notun Da's) submerged refuge in ice cold river water: "Where is my other pump shoe?"

Meanwhile, one injured rickshaw puller is compensated Taka 15,000. Micro Economics guys, what's the pricing strategy here on life? Equivalent to two bottles of Chivas Regal or half an SUV tank of gasoline? Or should it be measured in terms of pegs, bongs, pints or drops? I don't know. But considering that not too long ago we had birth registrations and now we're going through SIM registrations, the price of human life, by deduction, is Taka 350. Ok, plus VAT. So, Taka 15K is quite a handsome amount. 

And what about the elusive Chivas Regal bottle? One minute it's there, the next minute it isn't. Every artefact used by a famous or infamous person eventually becomes priceless. So, this bottle in the limelight is a collector's item and not People's Exhibit 1. The Kotkotiwala who eventually ends up buying the (in)famous bottle is a soon-to-be millionaire. Definitely quite a bargain buying it for Taka 15,000 ('hush' money included). 

Gazi TV, you can make not just an episode of Crime Fiction, but a full length movie out of this story. Remember the movie Gods Must Be Crazy where it all started with just one cheap Coke bottle? You got a priceless bottle of Chivas Regal here. We're all eyes for Kids Must Be Crazy.  

Jokes aside, I say we parents listen up. Instead of expensive presents, let's give our kids some of our priceless presence. Chances are, in that case, we will have to merely deal with benign parent-teacher meetings and not headline making parent-victim meetings…

The writer is an engineer at Ford & Qualcomm USA and CEO of IBM & Nokia Siemens Networks Bangladesh turned comedian (by choice), the host of NTV's The Naveed Mahbub Show and the founder of Naveed's Comedy Club. 
E-mail: naveed@naveedmahbub.com