Not Your Business

Photo: Kazi Tahsin Agaz Apurbo

We, as a nation, are curious and inquisitive, and Bangladeshi weddings are the ultimate place where we prove it time and again. I like our colourful wedding ceremonies; they provide good food, you get to dress up nicely and take selfies, catch up with friends and people you have not seen in ages.

But then, there will also be acquaintances, who you barely know, who love to ask personal questions that make you squirm in your seat. Simply put: these people are armed and dangerous. Armed with questions to invade your privacy, and dangerous because they pretend to be concerned about your wellbeing but are actually solely interested in getting the latest piece of gossip that they can whisper into each others' ears.

The other day I had to face such intrusive questions at a family wedding. From the front gate to the dinner table, I met a number of women, whose small talk included gems like this:

“So when are you planning for a baby?” 

To be honest, I was not prepared for this. So I let my laughter lighten the awkward situation and gave a vague answer. But things started taking a serious turn when I had to face a barrage of such questions repetitively, till I reached the stage to greet the newlyweds. But even there I felt like I was suddenly thrown in the spotlight. For once, everyone made sure to look away from the bride, staring at me with curious, inquisitive eyes. I was embarrassed and annoyed. But at the same time I knew I was not alone.

All around the world, you'll find many victims like me, who attend wedding ceremonies, and face nosy people and their whole list of nosy questions. The questions could be seemingly innocuous, like a relative inquiring about your CGPA in the last semester, but then things get too serious, too soon.

“When are you getting married?” “Why are you not getting married?” “Do you have a job?” “Why do you not have a job?” “How much do you earn?” “When are you planning to have your first kid?” “Your child needs a sibling. When will you get the second one?” So on and so forth.

What saddens me even more is that the questions that we consider extremely personal may not always come from strangers. Sometimes, friends and families who seem genuinely interested to know what is happening in your life are ready to jump into your grill. I want to believe that people do this with no intention of harming others. That they are not cruel, neither is their curiosity to know about my life.

But this unwanted curiosity can actually create a lot of stress, embarrassment, frustration and pain in the person who has to face such queries. What if they are having difficulty conceiving or are dealing with other health issues? What if they have decided that now is not the right time for them? What if they don't want to have a child at all? You don't know if they are going through a bad relationship. You don't know anything. The truth is that if anyone wants you to know something as personal as having or not having children, or getting married soon or never, they will tell you. Don't let your curiosity ruin anyone's mood or time at a social gathering or anywhere else.

Sure, there are the witty, somewhat intimidating ones whose cutting remarks are sure to stop the inquisitors on the track. And then some people might not feel negatively about such questions. 

But I can tell you, from my own experience and from that of several friends, such questions more likely than not does a lot to dampen spirits, making people feel somewhat insecure about their decisions.

So how do you deal with nosy people gracefully to make sure that they know that you don't want/like/need to answer to any of their remarkably 'original' questions?

Give an answer so mean and horrifying that they will regret asking the question, while silently declaring you as the most disrespectful person alive.

Or as one of my friends suggested, try to look sad and teary, giving a hint that you are emotionally disturbed and don't want to talk about the issue right now. They will be sympathetic while being left curious to know exactly what happened.

You can also squint a little bit and keep staring at them, indicating they are being “a little extra” intrusive and you don't appreciate it.

This will spare their potential future victims, who might be more sensitive about such issues than you. So you are actually doing a social service.

Or like I did, try to say something inaudible with a smile, ignore them and look for food.

When I finally reached the food table, with many other strangers, relatives and guests, I finally felt a sense of relief. We were having light friendly chitchats while passing the glass of borhani to each other, or recommending the chutney that tasted so good.

Then suddenly, my ears became flushed, hot and itchy, and I almost choked on my biriyani when some random aunty from the other side of the table almost screamed at me, “So when are you people planning a baby?” (For the fifth time that day!)

This time, not only did I not want to answer but I could not have answered even if I wanted to. I had food in my mouth. I muttered something unintelligible, chewing the last piece of the meat on my plate.

She did not understand what I said. Nor did anyone at that table. They were disappointed, as was I.

My mind has been engaged with a passing thought since then.

Why do I have to discuss my family planning with a group of people I didn't even know well, at a wedding ceremony where the only thing I wanted to focus on was the biriyani? 

If I don't grab you the minute you come through the door, commenting on how old you look, or why your child is rude to their elders, what gives you the right to ask such insanely 
personal questions?

Why not follow the mantra: Live and Let Live!