THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPE

ARIES
An international man of intrigue and mystery will spirit you away in his van.

TAURUS
Someone near and dear to you will abandon you for a free soup giveaway.

GEMINI
Your uncle will scratch his belly while making eye contact with you.

CENCER
Prepare for a termite infestation in your vicinity.

LEO
A bee will construct an intricate nest beneath your desk chair.

VIRGO
Your life will assume a cyclical quality like a sock going round a washing machine alone.

LIBRA
Your life will assume a 7.8/10 quality due to an overabundance of water.

SCORPIO
ei gurl is ur name cheese coz i want ur parmesan 2 ask ur frnd out

SAGITTARIUS
Hold your horses; restrain thyself this week.

CAPRICON
Some days you will feel like a goat out of water.

AQUARIUS
Someone will refuse to reciprocate your Real Life Facebook Big Like.

PISCES
Your life will shatter into a thousand little pisces.