Of idiots and telephones

Ring Ring...I pick up the telephone and say a friendly hello as is customary. The chap on the other side responds hello. I am now waiting for him to continue but there is a peculiar silence as if of anticipation, of being recognised. So I say "hello?" this time with a question. To my astonishment the reply is another heavy hello, but nothing more.

Now I am starting to shake my head, but having been taught restraint from an early age, I seize the initiative, "Kakey chaichen?" (Whom do you want?). Back comes the cryptic reply, "Ami Gulshan thekey bolchi." (I am calling from Gulshan). OK...now I'm convinced I'm dealing with an idiot who believes he is the only earthling living in Gulshan! I am tempted to put the phone down, but decide to press on and see where this conversation goes.

As some more of my patience wears off, I try wry humor, "Gulshan thekey kay bolchen?" (And who are you calling from Gulshan?), still trying to keep calm. But these callers don't want you to keep calm as he hurls back rather seriously, "Apni kay bolchen?" (Who are you?). Still trying to see whether I can recognise the voice so that I can give the person a good talking to about telephone etiquette, I raise my voice a notch and say, "Ami jei hoi, apnar kakey chai? Koto nombor chaichen?" (Whom do you want? What number have you dialed?).

I hear an irritated "tch" on the other side followed by a slight pause; then a thunderous and harsh "Ai, tumi kay?" (Hey, who are you?). The bloke is now calling me "tumi" (an unpleasant "you"). That did it! It was time to engage differently, time for a full-scale counter-attack! So I become an idiot myself to confront an idiot and mumble back something, barely making myself audible.

Kay? (Who?)
Mumble mumble
Shuni na, jorey bolo! (Can't hear, speak loudly)
Alexander
Kay?

Alexander the Great
Ki Ashchorjo (exasperation)
Sorry, Hitler; bhul bolchilam. (I was mistaken)
Faizlami koro? (Are you trying to be stupid?)
Ji kori. (yes)
Kay Tumi? (Who are you?)
Haji Chan Miya...biriyani lagbo sir? (Do you need biryani?)
Fazil kothakar (Stupid)
Na saar, ami Alim pash, Korotia Madrasah theika. (I have an Alim degree)
Click...end conversation!

So there you are: a conversation of idiotic proportions that need not have gone so far if only some simple telephonic norms were maintained. It could have easily ended much earlier or certainly gone on longer as I was bristling. But there are stupid callers armed with a telephone and a real attitude who can incite highly negative reactions. I tell you, these reactions come with a price: First my blood pressure went up a few notches, and that was uncalled for; then, not only did I spend time with this fool, but also needed extra time to gain back my sanity. Finally there was a social price of dealing with this imbecile by making myself an idiot in front of decent company! Don't people understand the ramifications of their behaviours? What is wrong with these people? There almost seems to be some type of a power dynamic here, as if the one who identifies her/himself last is some kind of a winner.

One encounters something similar when calling the "so-called" important people whose secretaries always intervene on their behalf. Many times I have asked my secretary to contact a certain person. Even after she has given the details of who I am and where I am calling from, I find myself confronting a secretary on the other side who will take me to task again as (s)he wields the power of providing access. Readers can surely guess how my agitation is as I am cross-examined thoroughly once again by this digital gatekeeper, before I am given access. Perhaps this is a necessary device to screen out idiot callers.

I wonder what happens when one "so-called" important person calls another. I have a strange feeling that the secretaries have a secret code that sorts out the power balance. Or perhaps they battle it out on a cognitive plane to determine which boss will talk to a secretary first. What a game... a win-lose power game of immense stupidity, played out everyday that is so Bengali!

For all "callers", I have a simple message: When you call someone, you either identify yourself or let the person on the other side know who or what number you are calling -- that's the norm. Otherwise, you will get branded quickly with one simple word -- idiot!