Journey of a father and a son

As I mentioned in my last article, there are books available based on the research that is being continuously carried out in developed countries like the US. With internet, it is quite convenient to access such resource material and if possible source them from abroad as well since I haven't seen many publications on this subject in Bangladesh. At the onset I, my mother, and our family friend Zahed Bhai had to undergo the basic learning on this illness which helped us much in the years to come as we knew what to expect and how to respond to each situation. The sphere of learning spreads from how to manage the stress resulting from the patience one must have to nurse such patients to how to help the patients continue the socialisation as much as possible with the gradual decline of cerebral abilities.

The second area where we indeed have been fortunate is to have a doctor who is not only well qualified but also a generous human being. During the entire illness, my father was under the supervision of a doctor who was not only professionally well respected in the US but also one of the most caring physicians one can hope for. I will share one example, once Dr. Abdul Ghori Khan was in Beijing to attend an international conference. He along with his wife came to Dhaka at his own expense just to spend few days in our home to observe the condition of my father himself. During his stay, Dr. Khan met relatives and friends of our family to get a full appreciation of my father's condition and was satisfied that my father seemed to be coping well and the decline was quite slow. Bangladesh I could hardly find anyone qualified enough to give me any guidance when I needed it most. It always had to be my overseas call to Dr. Khan and his counseling, patience, understanding, and courtesy that I could manage the situation much better than those who were not lucky enough to access such services.

Third important area is the morale support the patient needs. When people start getting old and gradually both the body and mind slowly gives away to the natural course of depreciation, it is difficult to accept the frailty no matter what the reality is.

It is very important that people around such patient never make them feel any less than what they always have been independent of the reality. We tried to keep his morale high by behaving as if nothing has changed and to us he is the same as before. One should never react, criticise, or lose patience -- it is at times difficult but there is no other way.

One of the effective ways to keep the patient in good spirit is to continue as much as possible the regular social activities. As I told before, my father very enthusiastically used to go to the Jumma prayers with me in the Dhaka University Mosque. However, two years ago, I noticed his sharp reactions whenever anyone would sit too close to him which is not something unusual to happen in a Mosque. At times, he also used to react if there was too much crowding in our home. This is because a sense of insecurity can result from the inner realisation but outer defiance of the reality by a person like my father who was used to being independent. It was sad to see this happening as my father was well known in his friend circle for his generous hospitality and our house had witnessed so many countless dinners and addas of friends and family. Even when my father used to visit his friends in Calcutta, he would always throw a dinner where at times he cooked himself for the friends and their spouses although it was he who was supposed to be their guests. Since travel was becoming increasingly difficult for him, we managed to have his friends from Calcutta visit him and his joy knew no bounds when he could entertain his friends at his home.

Again, it is the responsibility of the family to find ways to ensure that the illness does not take away the social pleasures to which the person has been used to all through his life. Hence, we continued encouraging the weekly addas at our verandah and arranged the occasional dinners at our place to keep my father's morale high and to make him feel secured within the crowd of friends who have been the best of friends a man can aspire for.

Regarding Hajj, as I have mentioned already it was a risk that I took as such a person can easily get disoriented in a crowd of millions where one is required to change places quite often and eat and dine whenever and wherever convenient. Hence, it is better to undertake such missions sooner than later. Under the watchful eyes of Allah and under the bright sky that covered the Holy Kaaba, the father and son joined hands in seeking eternal mercy and forgiveness from the One Who brought us together in the first place. From performing the Tawaaf to the running between the Safa-Marwa, my father was doing well until a severe dry cough and fever started which significantly weakened him. I got very nervous and from Mecca I called Dr. Khan in the US whose words of assurance calmed me as he explained that a rigorous exercise like Hajj can have such an effect on anyone and more so to a Alzheimer patient like my father and I should not worry much as he would be okay once we return home to his familiar surroundings. My father did recover well on return from Hajj and I am grateful to Allah that I could make my father perform the Hajj which he cherished so much in the remaining days of his life.

Fourth important factor is to help such persons organise their life in a manner that has more elements of continuity, consistency, and familiarity as opposed to putting them into experience which may be completely new or unfamiliar to begin with. For example, the fact that my father could spend thirty-five years of his life in the same house and in the serene neighbourhood of Ispahani Colony helped enormously as he had a clear perception of the geography and things around him which made things much easier. Any major relocation or displacement can cause difficulties for such patients as their ability to adapt to new surroundings and conditions weakens over time.

Fifth is for the family to give time to the patient so that they can express themselves adequately at a time when the thought process needs activation most. In course of my countless talks and interactions with my father, I discovered many things which I never knew before. The reason is that a strong willed man of self-respect like my father usually prefers to keep his emotional weaknesses shielded within himself. However, when the emotions start taking over ego, they reveal a side which I wish had surfaced long ago. For example, at the end I came to realise how much my father missed his mother who he lost at the age of six and he used to tell me, "Childhood is a difficult time for someone who does not have a mother." I never realised before that in his heart he wanted to have a daughter so much in addition to the sons he had. Also I was amazed how much he respected my mother from the core of his heart inspite of being born in a male dominated generation.He even had me promise that I will look after my mother as if she were my daughter if someday he is no longer there for her. I hope I can live upto the promise.

Last and not the least is the willingness of the loved ones to sacrifice for the person in difficulty. In my case, faith in God's infinite mercy and my religious values were of enormous strength to help me sail the journey with courage and conviction. Many of our parents are not perfect nor are we. End of the day, we are here today because they have been there for us then when we had none. That is the only reason parents are the only ones on whom God has given unlimited rights and privileges which are second to none. Similarly blessings of parents outlive their own lives and is like an overarching shade in our lives that protects us from many dangers and difficulties, known and unknown. My journey with my father was a swim in the confluence of the joy of the past and embracing the inevitable future, it was a celebration of life for what it achieved and a reflection on what more could have been done.

My father's grave is on the bank of a lake and next to a mosque. People lose father but for me it has been almost like losing both a father and a son at one go. At evening when the stars twinkle in the blue sky with token of misty clouds drifting aimlessly and the gentle breeze kissing the skin as I stand next to his grave, I look upwards and wonder where is he now and what is he doing. From hence onwards we both embark into journeys into unchartered territories that bonds us only in spirit with the hope that someday God will be kind enough to unite us again in the same journey that my father undertook on July 9, 2006 ahead of me. May God rest his soul in peace and give us the strength to carry on until we meet again Inshallah.

The author is a Faculty at the Institute of Business Administration, University of Dhaka.