Privacy a distant dream

Lawanya (meaning fairness) not only looks depressed, sometimes, she turns ill-tempered. She treats her six-month-old child badly and engages in brawls with her husband and in-laws.

"But she was not that type of girl. She was soft-spoken, quiet, and obedient girl," said her father-in-law Motiur Rahman. Then what happened to Lawanya?

Lawanya has been facing a problem of privacy. She got married only one and a half years ago. After her marriage, she has come to her in-laws house in Mohammadpur, where she has no privacy.

The head of the joint family, Motiur Rahman, a retired employee of BADC, has been living in this house measuring about 300 square feet having a 12x10 bed room, a 10x10 kitchen-cum-dining room, a 5x5 bathroom, a 5x7 toilet and a 5x4 corridor.

Rahman has a six-member family -- his wife, a married son, who has a six-month-old child, his daughter-in-law, and a school-going son, all live in this small house.

Physicians tell us that adults, especially married couples, need private space. They need separate rooms. Husband-wife relationship, which of course, covers sexual relationship, is more than that. Private talks, courting, close body contact, etc. are necessary for building a healthy bond between a couple. All these need privacy and separate space. But is there any scope of having private space in a lower-middle class or poor household? Most lower-middle class or poor families, numbering on an average five people, more than half of them adults, live in a space that does not exceed 20x15.

It is very difficult to imagine how adults, particularly married couples, live in these small houses.

When Lawanya was approached to tell her problems, she was first little bit shy to talk about her personal life. Only after several visits and long persuasion did she unfold herself and talk about her problems.

Is she not facing problem in living in this small house with her in-laws?

"Problems -- a lot of problem. I cannot talk with him (husband) privately. Even (showing the small kitchen) this is not our own. Often someone will sleep here," replied Lawanya. "How much time do I get to stay with him? Very little. He (husband) goes to work in the morning and comes back at 8 or 9. After having dinner, he goes to bed. When I go to bed, having finished my work, I find him sleeping," she continued, expressing her deprivation of the company of her husband.

Is she happy with her life? "Poor people have no choice -- happy, unhappy is a matter of rich people. But I would say, I'm happy and unhappy both. Because, my in-laws are very good, husband is also good. The only problem is space. There is no privacy in life here. I cannot do anything on my own for my needs. It is very disturbing, irritating," Lawanya said.

Then why does she not ask her husband to take a separate house?

"How is it possible? The money he gets is not enough to live separately, renting a house. Besides, how could we desert them (in-laws)? That's why we are living here," she answers in despair.

Motiur Rahman has a different definition of life: "The life of a poor man is not at all a human life. It's like the life of an animal. Man needs some private place to meet their basic requirements. But where the poor will get the space? You saw, people are huddling here like pigs," he said.

Not only Lawanya, many couples are passing their days in similar problems. Others I spoke to also stated their similar agonies and miseries. There is no dearth of square meals, but they are denied their privacy.

What is privacy? Privacy is the interest in controlling access to one's body -- by touching, sight and other forms of surveillance. There is a deep concern for keeping certain parts of the body and certain body acts hidden from the sight of others. Also a more general concern that whatever one is doing, one should not be watched without one's consent.

Privacy has become a major concern among the young couples in Bangladesh and other developing countries. For economic and other social reasons, the couples sometimes were forced to live in a joint family. An estimated 70 percent of married couples in the capital do not have a room of their own at home.

Joint family system, prevalent in Bangladesh, has certain advantages such as in the care of children, especially when the mother is working. But it denies couples their much-needed privacy. A psychiatrist I spoke with says that such deprivation of privacy has a negative effect on the body and mind of the couples. The deprivation reduces the normal bond between couples. He told me that couples, especially new ones, require intimacy, which helps build a strong bond between the male and female. Such mixing includes holding hands, hugging, kissing, but also merely being alone together in one another's company.

But what happens in a joint family of the lower-middle class or the poor? Couples can not mix with each other due to want of private space, and are thereby deprived of opportunities for intimacy or even bonding.

Holding hands, kissing each other, and hugging openly are not a crime, but in our society these are not considered acceptable in public. But for keeping the marital relationship strong, these are essential elements, explains the psychiatrist.

Such deprivation of privacy leads to feelings of depression and frustration. Couples becomes angry, bad-tempered, passive, and depressed. In extreme situations, it may lead to mental disorder, he added.

Privacy is not providing mere shelter. It's more than that. Most people are concerned about the basic needs like food, cloth, shelter, education, health care, etc. But adults need more than these, especially, privacy. And it's costly. Although one can able to manage the former, or at least try to have these, but one seldom thinks about privacy. And that's the tragedy in the life of a poor person.

Sacrificing the valuable need of adulthood and bearing so much agony of deprivation, a young couple becomes elders and their progeny suffers from similar agony. This is a vicious cycle for the poor. Is there any way to break the cycle?

Would Lawanya and others be able to enjoy the taste of freedom and privacy?

As Lawanya says: "It's better to starve once a day for having free living than depriving your body and mind. I want a separate room of my own, I want freedom."

Nazrul Islam is a journalist and environmentalist.